CLEVELAND, OHIO: Massive artisanal Japanese denim-wearing crowds numbering from the tens to nearly hundreds took to exurban streets and social media today to protest Apple’s surprise announcement that “artisanal denim-heads will need to abandon their iPhone fades.”
Said one crying barista from Omaha, Nebraska, “My iPhone fade took friggin years to develop. Does Apple even know what it’s like to wear the same pants, day in, day out, for five years without washing?”
Another artisanal denim wearer, who simply calls himself The Intruder, responded to the Apple announcement by slouching, slipping his fingers thumbs-out into the front pockets of his jeans, and bowing his head, attempting to gain solace from his selfie pose.
A continuously beaming Tim Cook sought to reverse the damage from the announcement, cheerfully booming, “The good news? All you artisanal jeans wearers can keep your cock fades!”
Added Cook, smiling uncontrollably, “The revolutionary iPhone announcements today in no way affects the decades-old small form factor of the Menswear cock!”
The protesting crowds were jeered from the sidelines by Samsung phone owners in True Religion and Old Navy jeans.
My apologies for being so delayed in creating a “Frequently Asked Questions” section for this blog. Here is a draft…I hope that is useful to you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What is your blog really about?
A: My blog is about when our vanities are greater than our miseries.
Q: So many of the things that you wear are really expensive. Do you have any product recommendations for a guy starting with a modest budget on what to acquire for his sartorial collection?
Q: Do you have any advice on what to wear for a job interview or a wedding?
A: After looking at your photograph, I do: try to marry well so that you do not need to go on job interviews. This is really your best chance.
Q: Why do you always blot, or crop, your face out of photographs of yourself?
A: I prefer not to be murdered by dudes who wear Allen Edmonds seconds.
Q: Why don’t you do any clothing and accessory reviews or recommendations, have any advertising, or visit makers, and things like that which other bloggers do?
A: By the time that I started microblogging, all the free stuff was already claimed by other bloggers. The only unclaimed stuff was Banana Republic, and I did not want that.
Q: Why do you always poke fun at Pitti Uomo?
A: Honestly? It is solely because of the name, which I take as a call to action.
Q: Your dressing room is larger than my apartment!
A: That is not really a question.
Q: Why did you stop posting on any menswear discussion forums over two years ago?
A: It is rather embarrassing, but I forgot my password. I know that the word “derp” is part of it, but the rest now eludes me. Old age, I guess.
Q: How do you manage to feature so many high-resolution versions of stylish classic photographs?
A: I take all the photographs on my tumblr myself. I have been doing that for, oh, over a hundred years, maybe longer.
Q: So many of your personal photographs—in which you are simply standing—seem so unnatural. Why don’t you do stuff like use your cell phone or look at your watch, or maybe sit on a wall? You know, dynamic stuff like that?
A: I agree that standing still is an unnatural human activity. Very few men can even do it today. The fact is, I am too poor to own a cell phone or watch, and walls make me nervous.
Q: What would you pair with a mid-gray flannel suit?
A: I would pair it with an ice cold Old Raj martini, stirred not shaken, served up with a twist.
This Tumblr—which toys with vanities greater than miseries—turned two years old this week and attracted its twelve-thousandth unwitting victim (otherwise known as a “follower.”)
Some of you might be curious to see what the most popular entries have been.
#10000plus - Posts that have received 10,000 or more likes and re-blogs.
#1000plus - Posts that have received 1,000 or more likes and re-blogs.
#100plus - Posts that have received 100 or more likes and re-blogs.
#featured - Posts that have been featured in tumblr’s #Menswear, #Fashion, #Film, #Architecture, #Advertising, #Vintage, or #Cars editorial categories (there might be others that I have missed.)