Little Known Brief Menswear Tales: The Innocent Customer and the Cruel Shirtmaker
"Carl is extremely unprofessional…he forced me into accepting shirts that didn’t fit [to] my liking." — A Style Forum Dude
Late Breaking Bespoke News Report: Cruel Shirtmaker forces Innocent Customer to buy and wear shirts that do not fit to the customer’s liking. Updates pending.
Update To Story: Cruel Shirtmaker intimidates Innocent Customer by baring teeth slightly, using a deep voice, and holding something hidden in his coat pocket that that could be…just might be…dangerous.
Tale Number 1: Innocent Customer: “I really don’t like how these shirts fit. They are not to my liking.” Cruel Shirtmaker: “You’re going to buy them, wear them, and like them, now f*ck off.”
Update To The Update: Innocent Customer uneasy as Cruel Shirtmaker pulls a pin from a pin cushion…Innocent Customer holds breath, closes eyes, and goes off to a far, far emotional place.
Tale Number 2: Innocent Customer: “Here, here, take all my money…don’t hurt me.” Cruel Shirtmaker: “Oh, I’ll take all your money. And I’m going to hurt you.”
More Shirt News: Reports have just come in that an Innocent Customer was found slumped unconscious at his cubicle desk at Groupon headquarters. Paramedics on scene noted, “His shirt collar was really, really tight. Way, way tight…like super tight. We still don’t know how he buttoned his collar. It seems physically impossible.”
Tale Number 3: Psychiatrist: “In your opinion, what is the source of your deep personal shame?” Innocent Customer: “I was forced to accept and wear shirts that do not fit to my liking.”
Tale Number 4: The Only Cute Woman At The Office: [laughing] “Your shirt doesn’t fit to your liking! [more laughter].” Innocent Customer: “Yes, I know.”
Tale Number 5: Neighbor Who Cooks Strange Foods: “Why are you just standing there? You can’t get into your apartment?” Innocent Customer: “A Cruel Locksmith made a key for me that doesn’t fit my lock, and then told me to ‘F*ck off.’”
Tale Number 6: [knock knock…knock knock knock…KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!] Innocent Customer [placing ear on door]: “Who is it? Who’s there?” Man at Door: “Your shirtmaker.”
Tale Number 7: Innocent Customer: “Ow…ow..OW!! You’re pinning the fabric right into my flesh!” Cruel Shirtmaker: “You asked for a closer fit, right? Now you’re going to get it, so shut up.”
Tale Number 8: Innocent Customer: “Ah..uhm…well…who is this menacing man next to you?” Cruel Shirtmaker: “That’s Cruel Tailor. So, why don’t you shut your pie hole now?”
Tale Number 9: Cruel Shirtmaker: “Take off all your clothes.” Innocent Customer: “What…why?” Cruel Shirtmaker: “You heard me.”